it was an awkward day last year on this day but i am truly missing helios 4 right now. with my twitter flooded with all the 2013 orientation stuff, it is inevitable for memories of H4 to flow back into my head. separated as we are now, and sadly some of us aren’t even hi bye friends, i still missed the time where i first stepped into nanyang officially on the 1st day of orientation and trying to bond with the rest of my og and the helios family. those were the times where we played without worries, as if fun was all it matters. those were the times then and nostalgic as they might be, we all need to get back to the black and white reality.
in the midst of growing up, i’ve became curious about things, throwing myself at unexpected experiences and then detaching myself from them, searching for more interests, picturing what my misty future will be like, getting appalled and surprised over countless of trivial/ significant issues and certainly many more.
today was a bad day for me and i could feel my face showing darker shades of black as the day crawls on. the hungry me met up with val where we bought food to nex’s rooftop garden. sitting opposite to the water playground which all kids love, heart-to-heart talks, ranting and all the shallow shit came blurting out. amongst our own words, the laughter of kids caught my attention. while we let a few moments of silence sink in between us, i watched the kids- how they play, how they move- their expression while waiting for the splash of water/ after receiving that splash of water, how they laughed… they surprisingly and magically lifted my mood. i don’t have an awesome childhood but neither do i regret not having enough fun back then. the only good feeling i could remember back then was satisfaction.
being a sickly kid since i was born, i had a weak stomach ( i usually can’t finish half of my food last time) and coughing was part and parcel of my life. while hanging out with my cousins, they could be drinking a whole bottle of yakult ( still love it today) and indulge in all sorts of fruits, but not me. despite that, sipping half a bottle of my yakult and taking a few bites of an orange were able to suffice me. i cherished what i CAN have even more and was still the happy-go-lucky one. thinking back, i was sure deprived of many things for my mum controlled my diet painstakingly and yes there may have been instances where i wished i could have more but i was never really dissatisfied with what i have in my life.
gratitude was what has been taught to me since young and unfortunately, i felt that i haven’t been truly grateful these days. i often found myself dwelling on how to achieve stuff that seems to be out of my reach and not really looked deeply at what i have today. i am embarrassed to say this, but true enough, i have too much dissatisfaction. it’s really time which i should focus on what i have in my life, cherish them and feel satisfied. and maybe, that’s peace.