it’s not a fight, it’s a war

my immune system is strong, until today. i wish it was a sign that i’m overpushing myself but i’d be fooling myself if i were to conclude the failure of my body that way. 1 day before prelims and i’m feeling fearful as ever, probably because i know well enough this is my one and only full dress rehearsal. term 3 is one hectic term but as and when i find myself slipping into moments of procrastination due to exhaustion, exhaustion and more exhaustion. while the number of days to As on the big banner hanging above the atrium seemed to have desensitized me, a particular person surprisingly have the power to whack me hard on the head, so much so make me freaking fearful not even the As, but this prelim as well. sometimes his words slap me across my face, making my heart pound so loud i can hear it in my ears and reminding me of how unprepared i am for this war. at other times his words are so encouraging, for i know i am not the only having this fear. i am fearful that my efforts doesn’t reflect on my results, i am fearful that i can’t take on the path i have desired, i am fearful of letting myself down and i am definitely fearful that i can’t cross this obstacle. however , i am thankful for him instilling such fear in me, for it is exactly this that keeps me going. this person is my physics tuition teacher. a pragmatic teacher he is, he has been harping on A levels ever since my first lesson, and when i failed my physics during mye, i felt like i’ve never been so disappointed for so long. but well, let’s not harp on the past shall we. mr sim’s texts to us students is always either about fees or homework due to following week. but well, he just sent something out of the ordinary, which is to check our emails. i did so as i was told and WOW it was one long email. at the end of the email, he posted a link to a survey and the first question is ” Predict the grade you will get for your upcoming prelims”. this question came at an unexpected time and for a moment or two, i just stared at my phone screen with my mind blank as ever (hope this doesn’t happen to me tmr). and then, i started to reflect what and how i was doing for my whole time in physics cafe. and that’s when i got fearful again. but this time it didn’t last long, when i turned and saw my stack of done homework and comprehensive notes to self sitting on my chair. in the end, i settled for a D. i sure wished i put an A, for it is certainly what i HOPE to achieve. but i would be shameful to put that, given my current effort. i sure have grown a liking towards physics, but i have yet to love and embrace it. while i am skeptical whether this will even happen in my lifetime, i figured out that because of the academic pressure placed on me, i’ve indeed grown quite a bit.

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