“To be able to still struggle is a privilege, ironic as it sounds but it is true. This is the time where you can still try and struggle. After that, even if you want to, you can’t struggle for the same thing anymore.”
I chanced upon such a text message from a year ago and surprisingly my heart felt a little warmer as I re-read it again and again.
Every year without fail, this very special friend of me will drop me a text on my birthday. We aren’t the sort of friends who talk everyday, sometimes we even left conversations hanging in mid air. We merely updated each other’s lives occasionally and surprisingly enough, this friend always found the right words to say at the right time, even in birthday texts.
Last year it was to “let go of what people think of us” while this year this pal told me to “experience all the thrills because 19 if the age to live slightly dangerously”. Words of a NS man indeed? HAHAHA. Be it crazy coincidences or anything along the line, those seemingly trivial words of his became my pillar and support at instances throughout the year.
Because when one can’t afford to be physically to you, words were the next best alternative. It was exactly such a case for me. For that alone, I am thankful beyond words.
He is one quirky character in which at times his thoughts made one wonder if a 100 year old soul live inside him while his words sounded childish and blunt like a 7 year old. He is ironic and possibly bipolar ( okay maybe not that extreme) but is nonetheless a genuine and altruistic friend.
Turning 19 today is this special pal of mine and I thank all the gods for his birth to this world. Thank you for teaching me the real world definition of gratitude, thank you for appreciating my nonsense, thank you for standing by me all these while, thank you for giving me strength and thank you for being born.
Funny how I found myself having random images of my childhood days when I’m sick in bed these days. Childhood had this universal image of bring pure, innocent and beautiful. However, it wasn’t so during the times when I was experiencing childhood myself. With this current distant image I’m left with, I now understand how beautiful and endearing those times were.
Because of the countless medicine and treatments I had to go through, I enjoyed my play time more and probably felt like the world was within my control when I was able to take a sip of orange juice. Because I was uncomfortable with my physically weak body I could not be happier when my parents brought home a family dollhouse set. Because of the timeless care from my family, I was able to pull through those times and create unique memories which I still hold close to my heart today.
With such fond memories coming back to me at such prime time, it depicts a similar situation as to what I’m facing now. While going through a difficult time, I felt a wave of relief whooshed by me for it provided me with the strength I need. One thing that remained unchanged was the presence of family and for that I am truly thankful.
Few days back I was stuck in the hospital for an entire day, basically a not so appealing day. With my official first visit to SGH as a patient, my father described it as closing an account in KK and opening a brand new one in SGH. Nice metaphor but honestly the feeling wasn’t so nice. Transferring to SGH meant that I was entering adulthood and that I was leaving behind an old yet familiar place. Blabbering on random instances during my operation turned out to be fun yet nostalgic. Surprisingly enough, there wasn’t any painful instant in my bundle of memories and that was when I realised it was a matter of choice.
Today because of those memorable moments, I yearned to go back 14 years ago and witness my stay in the hospital room. Midst the pain and fatigue from post operation, relieving the thankful and genuinely happy instances would probably make me a better person today. If I could see what I had went through myself as a child, I would not be as insecure and uncertain today. We need such triggers at certain points in life and as for me I need it now and I hope those fond remembrances will suffice.
The complexity in emotions tires me out.
For a moment I hate the world and in the next I’m angry with myself.
I am unsure with what mindset I should have when faced upon such situation.
And this is especially so when people I deemed closest to start leaving one by one.
I was afraid, saddened, helpless and above all unsure.
I kept rethinking if I made the wrong decision and if such persistence will do any help.
Like a nightmare turned into reality, it was horrible and suffocating.
As much as I yearned to run away, I found myself rooted to where I still am.
For the longest time ever, I shut myself within 4 walls.
Shutting it tight, I avoided all interactions.
And for the longest time ever, I struggled with my thoughts.
As far as I’m ready to peek out the window, the timidness in me grew as well.
But as for now I won’t back down just yet.