I’ve come to appreciate that struggling is a privilege.
I’m tired of waiting for people. As the exhaustion grows more prominent when it comes to people you love, the hesitation grows as well. I’m tired of waiting for replies, waiting for requests, waiting for answers, waiting for plans, waiting for decisions. It is bothering me because for the first time, I am feeling this tired. This fatigue turns into this bubble of self-doubt, anger, frustration and uncertainty which I can feel in every nerve that is bubbling its way up. It’s getting harder to bear and each time I wish to unveil my thoughts, where they are just at the tip of my tongue, I hold back. For various reasons I suppose, but the recurring thought that keeps coming back every single time is whether I have changed. I crave for sleep a lot more these days.
These uncertainties made me turned to poetry, well partly I suppose. I start my day with poetry and ends my day with it. I’m writing every day, yet they are all incomplete. I either can’t find the right line to end with, or a right stanza to start off with. That’s how jumbled my mind really is. But one thing I know is that I get real emotional when it comes to spoken poetry and Sarah Kay reaches out to me every single time. Phil Kaye’s ‘Repetition’ caught me off guard and got me sniffing halfway through the performance.
Because as you get older, the more you tend to reminisce events which remind you of your younger days.
The ironic thing is, we’re at the peak of our youth now.
Hols are coming to an end in a week’s time (okay 6 days to be exact). As much as I crave for more nua time, I actually can’t wait for school to start. To be honest, I’ve been really bored throughout these 5 weeks. I can’t say that I don’t feel accomplished, for I have been filling in the gaps which I had missed doing so much. In fact, I slowed down life by a tenfold during this hols as compared to school term. A part of me can’t wait to be immersed in depressing, or I would say realistic lectures, a part of me can’t wait to start peeling apart facts which probably aren’t facts facts and a part of me can’t wait to get back to the hectic lifestyle I was accustomed to. This is probably why a break is indeed a break and not a full-time profession. I have yet to finish Wise Man’s Fear, I barely completed 9/20 dramas I intended to watch and okay I had met almost all the friends I wanted to catch up with, but my point is one can never have enough rest. But hey guess what? I feel ready enough to continue with life.
People who have known me long enough would have known that k-drama is my comfort zone, my cave. It is an avenue where escapism is at its best and a place for me to heal my exhaustion in life. For the first time in my life, I requested a getaway to anywhere overseas away from the city. School life has been so hectic, I always seemed to be having a rat race with time, my heart seemed to be always filled with anxiety and restlessness. But of course, my parents just had to refuse. And so that’s when I turn to K-dramas. I started and ended with rom com, a genre which had a taken a backseat in recent years for I favoured thrillers instead. Okay maybe I’ll watch one more thriller before school starts but I’m pretty sure the last rom com I caught is still gonna be more impactful. I shall not delve into details about the what the dramas are about but these rom coms made me reflect for good and pushed me to think what I want to make do with my life now.
So this scene in Twenty Again hit me hard. A realization I had buried deep maybe.
A year ago, I was having a blast with Big Bang at the Marina Bay Platform Countdown Party. A year later, I’m sitting here looking back at my 2015 with a backache (yes I am clearly aware I am too young for this). I might have aged during this period of time but 2015 is one year I am reluctant to part with. I started this year with an overwhelming blend of feelings – anxiety, uncertainty and yes of course crazy (since I’m star-struck) but I ended this year somewhat peacefully. It seemed like an anti-climax at first sight but honestly, I thought that this past year has been one of the most enriching years in my 20 years of life. I had the most amazing job/internship, not only because I’m doing what I like, but also because of my fellow interns. The environment was rich with teamwork and friendships, I found myself actually looking forward to work everyday. Needless to say, it was saddening when each of us had to take our leave but this team played a big part to my enjoyment in the company and so I was beyond thankful for all my days well spent then.
Then came my letter of acceptance into NTU. Yes, I still couldn’t believe it till today. It was tough. I just had to admit that. It was so tough trying to pray for a letter of acceptance. The feeling of hoboing around, not knowing where I will end up at, unsure if I could even be an undergrad was terrible. In fact, it felt so hollow I’m sure I don’t ever want to experience it again. While it may seemed silly upon hearing how thankful one is upon receiving the matric card, I couldn’t forget the emotions which stirred inside of me when I first received mine. Till today, it’s unbelievable. And so although I didn’t attain that oh-so-perfect GPA for my 1st sem, the very fact that I am an undergrad itself fills me up with gratitude.
I started taking risks when I first started internship and it continued on this year. Although I am still somewhat extra wary and at times paranoid with regards to the decisions I make/ about to make, luck has been shining on me whenever I took risks generally. However, it dawned on me that this side of me gradually turned me to become a more independent person, or rather, somewhat over independent. Following a dear friend’s input, I was told that I make decisions, both trivial and important by following my heart and rationality, without the consult of anyone. That’s a blind spot. I didn’t notice that till it was pointed out to me. I still haven’t decided if that’s good or bad but I thought it might be time I tone down a tad bit of my independence level? HAHAHA.
Here are 3 significant turning points in my 2015. Like I said, I don’t wish to part ways with it, because I had so much fun during my gap year and first term of school. The next 3-4 years will be purely school and while I’m sure I’ll enjoy school, I believe the type of fun I will experience will be a very different type from what I went through this year. I’m wrapping this year up and keeping it safe in my heart, deep down in fact.
With that, I’m ready for 2016.
p.s. I wrote this post all in one go, without proof-reading because I am just so tired. (another sign I’m ageing)
As one closes the door and walk into a new phase in life, the pool of friends, acquaintances and special ones tend narrow down to a handful, sometimes even fewer than that. At a certain point in my life, it becomes tiring to hang on to every friend after graduation and I’ve come to accept the very fact that people come and go in your life. People who you are emotionally intimate with during the journey is no exception.
As I sat down for a meal with a friend for the first time in 2-3 months, that’s when I finally came to understand why we’re still around in each other’s lives, despite being friends for almost a decade. There are times where it becomes awkward when you meet friends you haven’t met up with for a long time, there are times where you run out of things to say after knowing a friend for some time and eventually it became a chore to catch up with friends because you’re just too invested in yours.
This friend has changed and it is the first time I don’t quite know how to cope with this change. After going through so many transitions, adversities and good times together, the changes are sound. Yet, it is unreasonable to me, because it is this very special friend that is changing, not simply anyone else, but this very special friend of mine, who stands so firmly to his beliefs all these while, who always make choices he deemed as right, not the popular ones. And so this change truly came as a surprise to me. At what point, and with what reason can make someone whom I thought I knew so well, change fundamentally?
We’re still good though. It’s just a pity though, that the tender side of him has been replaced by a steel-like wall, unable to penetrate and unable to break him. Maybe I’m an idealist at heart, maybe I’m the naive one here, expecting an unchanging old friend.
Hah I seem to embrace fundamentalism pretty well.
Crafting a sandcastle carefully, expecting a fairytale like ending,
But like how every fairytale has its dark side, this magnificent castle is momentary. The high tide eventually comes and wipe it off ruthlessly, not leaving a single trace.
Ain’t gonna deny it. I’m losing faith.