Here Is When You Need To Be Alone

Originally posted on Thought Catalog:

Nelson L.Nelson L.

You need to be alone when you are not at home with yourself. When spending a night by yourself makes you want to tremble and take cover from the storm that rages on inside your mind, you need to learn to find your own shelter. When you want someone else to come and hold you close just to distract you from yourself, you need to learn to hold your own hand. We can love one another but nobody can save us from ourselves and when we don’t understand that in the slightest, we need to be alone the most.

You need to be alone when you’re unhappy with yourself. When your flaws and shortcomings are things you hope someone will someday love away, rather than inadequacies that you resolve to work on within yourself. When you’re hoping that someone is going to come along and save you from…

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I admit. Things got way too intense for me to handle. I’m feeling pissed way too often, I’m feeling upset more usual than ever and it definitely doesn’t do good to my well-being. I need to learn how to forgive. And I will forgive people even if they are not sorry. As to how I am gonna do it or how long I can keep this up, I truly don’t know. It takes a great deal of courage and persistence, but I will try. Okay confession made, let me go back into my bubble of thoughts for now. tumblr_nnp3o8mlaS1r3sl2fo1_500

You ain’t a loser

I hardly watch fancams but I just watched one because I was simply too curious of how Big Bang’s new songs sound like. There’s so much feels to loser I can’t wait to hear and see them live.

In fact, I am actually forgoing my korea trip for them. (because of the timing they are coming and the potentially exorbitant ticket price) It’s gonna be my third time seeing them but yes, I’m still reallyyyyyyyyy excited.

Meanwhile here’s the best quality version of Loser which they released and sang for the first time at their concert in Seoul. Whoop whoop


It finally came. My acceptance letter. I have been dealing with so much rejections in this past year, the feeling of receiving not one, but two acceptance letters feel so surreal. In fact, I was doing the most mundane part of my job – transcribing a recording, when the email came.

I kept checking the email and letter again and again, unable to believe that this is actually happening to me, simply because I was rejected by nyp physiotherapy (my final back up plan) the previous week. It felt so unreal, it felt too good to be true, but in reality I was indeed accepted.

People who have been watching me choose the route of a gap year knew how unwilling I was to take this path initially, and knew how much a struggle I was throughout these months.

I was at a crossroad, not knowing where to turn, but I moved on anyway. Walls and barriers had been set up, all ready to trip me and I tripped, countless of times. Time after time, I picked myself up, assuring and reassuring myself that all will be fine but in actual fact my hopes cracked a little each time. I was well, or at least I tried, but I bottled everything up and kept moving forward.

Certainly enough, I’m glad I chose a gap year over a paper chase and I have met tons of wonderful people thanks to my job. However, the weight on my chest was heavy, because 3 rejection letters felt nothing but bitter.

Receiving my final rejection letter from nyp was the final straw. I broke down, completely. My mind was in a whirlpool and for the first time, I didn’t know how to tell people that I wasn’t okay at all. For the first time, I felt so messed up.

I spent the following weekend sending appeals and applications to all sorts of origanisations while feeling so sick of the whole process. Escapism was definitely on my mind but things had to be done, or at least tried. And then I re-watched Misaeng, because the lonely and selfish me craved for some understanding from the world, even if it means through a drama, which was never a reality. Ironic but desperation was at its best.

Going back to work on Monday never felt so dreadful, but again I went, because I needed to. In the afternoon, the letter came. Finally.

Now re-read the start.

Your Life Is A Shitshow And Here’s Why That’s Okay

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Originally posted on Thought Catalog:

Twenty20 / antonyzac Twenty20 / antonyzac

When you’re in college, you think your life is a shitshow because you’re going out four nights a week, you barely have any semblance of responsibility, and your main concern is making sure you don’t schedule any classes before 10 a.m.

You make mistakes and you screw things up and you laugh about it with your friends. Your love life is usually a wreck, but in a funny way, because so is everyone else’s. You’re surrounded by versions of yourself on all sides: other people whose lives are just as messy and silly and disorganized as yours.

But then you leave college and your life is still a shitshow, but in a more serious, less funny way. Maybe your version of a mess is that you’re not yet married, or even dating. Or maybe you’re stressed out because you have a wonderful relationship but you’re not feeling…

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